OS - The Star That Was Lost Once

When I write for you T, I have this urge to make it special, for you and for a couple of others in my life ( whom I am sure you very well know ;) ) , when I write for you girls, I stretch my own boundaries and try to write it the best way I can and this OS is for you on your special day.

T we met over your stories, we bonded over your stories, we got to know each other through our stories, and somewhere along that lane, you became very special for me, as a friend. You went onto become one of my best friends and you will always be that and much more for me.

T first of all I owe you a big sorry because I wont be around for your bday, I hate it when things clash but this is unavoidable and I have to go, I will be back only on Monday but  whatever I want for your bday, I will be posting it here and in FB before leaving and you will get it on time. I cant let u miss me on your bday now .. can I ;)

I love you T , like I will never be able to find the right words to tell you how much you mean to me but you mean everything to me. You are like among the people I NEED to have in my life, you know I always tell you this, but just simply thinking of you makes me SMILE ;) its always been like that.

Am sure you will have a blast on your bday, I will be looking forward to the PICS, I wish Satina was around you now so that I could ask her to give you a hug from my side as well and smash an extra piece of cake on your face ;)

But if you are going home for your bday, ( then yes Satina, pls do grant me my request :P )

Have a wonderful bday and a rocking year ahead ... praying that we all grow old together !! ;)

Love you T ... tight tight tightest hugs ... absolute panda hugs and penguin kisses as we call it ! ;)

Happy Birthday Tina.

I pray that all your dreams come true, every single one of them because you deserve all the happiness in the world.

Banner Credit to Bijal <3 

The night was quite, there was a slight breeze, but not too chilly, the stars shone bright, lighting up the skies but to her it felt like they were trying to reach out and wrap her up in their absolute comfort, the tears never stopped gliding down her face as she struggled to breathe, every inhale she took, she felt the air was choking her just like how it choked the life out of the soul for whom she had been waiting for so long, for whom THEY had been waiting so long.

Talking to the stars was something she had grown upto, it was how she felt connected to her parents, this was how she felt them close, always offering her comfort when she needed it the most, and ever since she and Arnav had been together, it wasnt just her parents, but she had his mother too, she could always see 3 stars smiling down at her and she had quite a bond with his Mama who seemed to have become her best friend, her solace whenever she needed it, but today she had only one unspoken plea which she knew Mama could hear,

" tell them to take me Mama ... they could have taken me ... why did you let him choose me over her ... she died even before she could ever open her eyes and look at us once ... how can I breathe this air when I know she was choked ! " ,

Khushi cried into herself as she gripped her knees, her body rocking against the walls of the French windows. Just then there was a knock on the door and Khushi turned to see Anjali enter, her sister-in-law s eyes echoed the same pain that racked her body, she rushed to Khushi and engulfed her in a hug as another bout of sobs racked through her, Anjali could feel the pain, she knew what that loss could feel like, but she also saw the guilt that her brother and his wife lived through every day since the past 2 weeks, Khushi was speaking through her tears,

" why Di !

Why did you let him take this decision .. How could anyone make him choose ! even if it was a choice, then why me over a life thats barely known what it is to be alive !

How could you all just decide to cast it away just so that you could save me ?

You could have told the doctors to do their job, and save the one who had the best chance to survive, not the one you chose instead ! maybe she could have been alive today then.

Di you knew what it was to loose her, you once felt it, you were the happiest to know she was coming, you always felt that the Gods were sending back the one that they took from you, yet you let her go again !

Have you seen Arnav these days Di ?

Have you looked at him , the guilt he carries, how is he going to live with that ?? "

Khushi's questions were never ending but Anjali hushed her, she held her close in her warmth, the same warmth that Khushi felt when she spoke to their Mama,

" Ssshh Bhabhi .. you need to stop blaming yourself, you need to stop blaming him, none of us deserve to live with this guilt because whatever we did, we did it right.

Yes the pain will always be there that we had to let her go, that we could do nothing to save her. But what Arnav did was the right thing to do back then, you know how much he loves you, how much we all love you. When the moment came, your life was in danger, she was in danger but the doctors felt only one could be saved.

How can you expect Arnav to choose her over you ?

Do you think it will be easy for him to love her when she will always remind him of the choice he had to make, the choice that killed the woman he loves the most, the one who is the reason behind all his happiness ?

Bhabhi, whether we like it or not, we have to understand one thing about men, a woman becomes a mother the day she realises that she is carrying a life in her but a man becomes a father only when he holds his child for the first time.

The ugly truth is that if a choice ever happens, Arnav as your husband will always chose you and the husband in him will always be dominant over the father in him, because if he didnt have you, then he wouldn't have known what it is to be a father.

If we had made him choose her over you, Arnav would have never been able to accept her Khushi, yes he would have loved her, he would have raised her like a princess but a part of him would always remain broken and no one would have been able to heal him, not even she would be able to heal him because the broken part would be your essence in his life.

Yes we lost her but destiny and Gods will always give you a second chance, this isnt over Bhabhi, you and chottey can still have a family, but if you had been lost then there would be no way to bring you back again, no way anyone could replace you in his heart, no way he would ever love again !

You think its guilt thats ruling him Bhabhi ?  more than the guilt, its the pain .. the fear ... the fear of losing you despite saving you !

He put you to sleep but he has been so worried about you that he asked me to take care of you while he went to have a talk with our doctor once again, on how to make sure you become fine.

But its not just you who needs comfort now Bhabhi, he needs it too, he needs you badly right now, you both need to heal together, you both have to move on, you still have a life together and not everyone are lucky Bhabhi, you still have a husband who loves you unconditionally, you have your anchor, don't weep over what your lost Bhabhi but count your blessings. "

Anjali said as she placed a kiss on Khushi's forehead, just then the door opened again and Arnav walked in, Anjali got up and smiled at him as she slowly exited the room and closed the doors behind her.

Arnav sighed as he walked over to her, he sat down by her side and pulled her into a hug, well more than giving comfort, Khushi felt that he was seeking peace in her, she pulled apart a little to look at him, she needed to see him, but as she looked into his tired bloodshot eyes, her thoughts went back to that day at the hospital,

Her labour pains had just started, Arnav and their families were with her, his grip tight on her as they led her inside, the doctors had taken the call that it would be a normal delivery but the labour went on for hours and Arnav had been with her through all of it, but then came the shocker they never expected,

Their doctor informed them that the delivery was turning out to be a difficult one and they would have to do a c-sec, but the worst of it all was when they handed over  a document to Arnav and said they needed his consent, because of complications, they might have to choose because only one could be saved and Arnav was asked to make the decision, his wife or his daughter !!

Khushi had watched as Arnav's grip on her hands turned numb, his eyes glazing over with the tears, their eyes had met as they recalled all the memories they had about their baby, the dreams they had woven, the joy in his eyes as they did the scans and Arnav was told that he would father to a girl. It was one of the happiest Khushi had ever seen him. Every emotion and memory washed over them, and then she saw the changes in his persona, she knew he was making the decision, she saw his eyes steeling in determination, and her heart knew the choice he would make, she knew he wouldn't let her die, not even for their daughter, she couldn't imagine taking that call, she opened her mouth to speak but he hushed her, he lightly kissed her on her lips and pulled away, his words still echoing in her head,

" don't say a word Khushi .. don't make this more difficult than it already is .. I know what you want to say and you know I cant give that to you .. so don't ask for something that I can never do .. I can't let you die Khushi ... I just can't. Call me selfish but I can't let you go. "

And then without a word he had turned to the doctors as the pain seared through her body again,

" I want you and your team to try and save both my wife and my daughter as best as you can but if the need for a choice comes, then I want my wife alive in my arms, I need her alive and you should do whatever it takes to keep her alive. "

Khushi closed her eyes as her heart shattered at the decision, she couldn't blame him, she knew he was going through the same, and then the next she knew was Arnav hugging her close as she whispered in her ears,

"promise me Khushi ... promise me that you will come back to me ... promise me you wont choose to leave me ... I cant loose you Khushi ... I cant ..  I need you to fight this and come back .. I will be waiting " , he said as he placed a kiss firmly on her lips and then walked away as the nurses came in to take her to surgery.

But the worst wasnt over ... the surgery was completed but their baby couldn't be saved but Khushi was out of danger, Arnav was beside her as he held onto her tight and close while their families surrounded them, the doctor had come in and requested that he wanted to speak to them alone, later in the privacy of their room, the doctor revealed the worst news any parent would want to hear,

" according to protocol, we are duty bound to share this information with both of you, you both have the right to know, we did try our best to save the child, till the very end we did try but the umbilical cord had got twisted around the baby's windpipe, it choked her, she couldn't breathe, we tried our best but she was suffering too much. We are sorry "

Nothing could have prepared them for this knowledge, that their baby had struggled so much before she died, that she was fighting to breathe, to stay alive. If any part of their heart felt alive, even that had been killed when they heard it.

Arnav's body shook when he received his daughter's corpse from the doctor, Khushi couldn't even see her baby with the tears that glazed her eyes, they had held onto each other as Arnav had lit the pyre and did the final rites for their daughter they never got to know.

And even now as the memories of that fateful day flashed in their eyes, they felt the intensity of the pain seize over their hearts, Khushi pulled him back into her hug as they wept, no words were exchanged as the tempest broke and they wept together, letting the pain wash over them for the first time in 2 weeks, they battled it together.

Khushi could finally see the truth in Anjali's words, they were still lucky, they had each other to live for, what happened was inevitable, their loss would always remain a loss but they had a life to live , a life they could live together and not alone.

They pulled apart after a few hours, Khushi's head resting over his heart, their hearts beating in unison, after  a while they looked up at the skies, there was a new star shining brightly surrounded by the three other stars, as though the brightest of them all were being protected and they instantly knew it in their hearts, Arnav smiled through his tears, he smiled up at the star, his voice a soft whisper,

"forgive me princess for what Papa did .. I do love you .. all I can do is be honest with you .. I love your Mama more ... I couldn't let her go "

Khushi's heart wept as she heard him but she knew she had to heal him and only she could, she looked at the star , a smile on her lips,

" but Mama and Papa will always love you and we know you are in an even better place than we are, you have three angels watching over you Princess, three angels who will love you as much as we do. "

And the star twinkled as though in agreement and so did the other three stars.

Arnav smiled as he  got up and helped Khushi stand up, she was still weak, not fully recovered after the surgery, he lifted her in his arms as he carried her over the threshold and placed her on the bed, he then turned and locked the room and the french windows, but he didnt pull the curtains, he left them open. He knew from today on, neither he or Khushi would ever be able to draw the curtains, not when they knew their princess was watching them.

And for the first time in weeks, they slept in peace as they held each other close, the love healing all the pain they had to endure.

A year later,

Arnav had his arms wrapped around his Khushi as their driver took them to RM, in Khushi's arms there was a sleeping bundle of joy, Tara , barely a month old was in a deep sleep as her parents took her home from the orphanage from where they adopted her.

Arnav and Khushi had given it a lot of thought, they wanted to try for another baby, they promised each other that they would try for another baby but only after the doctors assured them that it was safe for Khushi to conceive again. Till then the doctors had advised Khushi to remain on birth control to prevent the risks.

 But the loss of their first born made them think about the millions of orphaned lives in the country, and they thought , " if the Gods took their life away .. then why not give life to another soul " . And thats how they had started scouring orphanages and eventually found Tara who was found abandoned at a church when she was barely few days old.

Anjali had picked the name, as she said, this baby was the star coming back home, the star they lost, the star that always shone bright in the night skies that adorned Shantivan.

The lost star was home at last ... Tara had come home

FF Let Me Love You - Part 39

Okay, An apology is due for the long long delay in updates, I am really sorry guys, but I have to say that my updates from now on are not going to be fixed at all, its my final semester of post graduation and I am working on my final year project, then there is the job hunt going on, work at home, in between all this I rarely get time to write. I will try to post 2 updates per month, I guess I can manage that but weekly updates, I don't see it happening. And since my updates will be less frequent, I will be sending PM as well as email alerts so that nobody misses the updates ;)

Thank you for not forgetting my stories and patiently waiting for me to update. This update of LMLY, well I have always believed that we all have an inner voice, something or someone that is like a mirror reflection of us, its the face of our reality and we all encounter it from time to time whenever a situation arises and this update is mostly about Khushi's inner voice ... am sure most of you might have already guessed who it could be but check out the update ... I will be looking forward to your comments  !!

Happy Reading !

Khushi was in her room, the tears still staining her cheeks as she recalled Arnav's words, the hurt in his eyes when she had asked him to leave, the anger coursing through him when he had wrenched his hand away and his defeated persona when he had walked away, she couldn't take any of it and she knew all of it was her fault, she blamed herself for everything that went wrong around them but deep inside she also knew that whatever was happening could happen to anyone and no good would come come by blaming oneself for something thats beyond one's control.

She looked out into the skies, the stars always spoke to her, somewhere amidst those stars, she saw Rahul , her Mama , his Mama .. they were all out there always smiling down at her and she always drew comfort from them. There was a light wind caressing her face, she turned and saw Rahul's violin on one corner beside her bed, she went and took it in her hands, fresh tears clung to her eyes as his loss shook her again, she closed her eyes as she held it close, it still contained his essence, she could feel him around,

" I hate your tears Khushi ... and you know that. "

Her eyes flew open as she whirled around, too shocked to speak, she couldn't even believe if she was seeing it all for real, Rahul as she always remembered him was perched on her window ledge, he was smiling at her, his eyes looked at her affectionately, as he beckoned her to come,

" come here Khushi .. sit down. We have to talk. "

Too numb to even ask or respond, she went and sat as instructed, she kept gazing at him, unblinking eyes drank in the sight of him, like she was taking much needed air to breathe, her lips were a soft shocked whisper,

"is this even real Rahul ?

Am I just dreaming all this up ?? "

Rahul smiled at Khushi as she saw him bring his hands close and move away the loose strands of her hair, she closed her eyes at his touch, they were cold on her face, deathlike yet there was a sense of familiarity in it,

" I am here Khushi but I wont be here long, maybe all this will feel like a dream, but I had to talk to my sister, put some sense into her before she went down the path of self-destruction, so here I am. "

Khushi clutched his hands, trying to smile through her tears ... " why did I have to loose you ?? even when you left, you left me in the care of Pari, you knew she would watch over me, you even had Arnav picked for me, your presence is all over my life and yet I don't have you.

Why didnt the Gods spare you ... for me .. for Pari. "

Rahul looked at her sadly, he missed Pari so much, he hated seeing her so alone, he was so proud of his girl but the pain of loss that she carried, it always stung him, but he also knew Pari wouldn't be alone for too long, a small smile crept up his face as he looked at his baby sister,

" I miss both of you Khushi, but thats life Khushi .. we don't get everything we want, loss and pain are human emotions we all have to endure.

Khushi maybe my death was inevitable, we all have to die someday and we will no matter how much we resist. I have no regrets Khushi, yes I know Pari is alone but my girl is a brave one, and now when I look at her, I know she wont be alone for too long, besides she has got all of you. You will all help her to move on from me, maybe in the next birth we can have a life together.

And you, I left you in the hands of a man who protects you even better than I did ... and yet Khushi you are hurting him .. thats why am here.

You cant hurt Arnav .. you cant and you wont. "

Khushi felt her heart twist and tighten as she thought of him, his eyes reflecting the pain and hurt she had inflicted,

" I feel guilty Rahul ... somehow I can never stop thinking that Arnav and his family wouldn't have to go through any of these problems if they hadn't met me, Arnav could have had a much more easier life.

I know he loves me ... and I love him back too. But the problems that have surrounded him and his family because of me doesn't seem to end ever. "

Rahul fixed her with a firm glare, " well don't you love giving yourself a lot of self importance Khushi ?? !! " Khushi looked at him confused but Rahul didnt stop speaking ,

" well in the first place, what makes you think that if you weren't a part of his life, then it would be a lot more easier ?

How do you know that Khushi ?? do you have any divine powers to come to those conclusions ??

If you weren't the one meant for him, then it would have been someone else, he would have met the one written on the fates for him.

He would love that person, do everything it takes to keep her happy and protect her.

Khushi what you need to understand is that, Arnav is what he is and he has always been like this. He loves his family unconditionally and will jump in front of any bullet for them.

All of us have to live our life, there is no running from the happiness written for us just because there are problems. How long will you run Khushi ?

If you decide to run then you will have to do that for the rest of your life ahead, and then amidst all that running, your time on earth will end and you will die. And when you are on your death bed, and look back at your life, will you feel happy ?

Will there be anything for you to call as a memorable life that you have lived here ?

All you will have is a lot of running around you did, all you will have is going to be  memories of you hiding away while your past chased you down.

Whats the point of such a life Khushi ?? whats the point when on the alternate you can live your life as long as it lasts happily with the people you love ?

Whether you protect him or not, Arnav is going to die on the day meant for him ... "  Rahul saw Khushi flinch at the mention of Arnav's death but he didnt relent,

" there is no use flinching Khushi, it will happen when it has to, birth and death and the life in between, its the natural order and you cant alter it.

You will die when the time comes ... all of us have to die someday.

So then why not make the little time we have on this earth beautiful ?

Khushi you have a man who loves you unconditionally, a man who thinks about you in every heartbeat of his, that kind of love is rare and you have to live it.

Live it with Arnav, face the obstacles with your head held high, don't be a coward Khushi. Stop running. By trying to push them all away from you, you are not protecting them but you are only trying to lessen your guilt.

You aren't God Khushi that you can guarantee anyone's protection ... hell you cant even protect yourself Khushi !

None of us can .. its not in our hands, we can only try but there is no assurance to that.

Stop trying to control the fates ... its not in your hands. What you can do is live your life as your heart desires to and rest leave it to destiny.

He is hurt Khushi ... and you are the reason, he doesn't deserve this pain.

You have a beautiful life ahead Khushi ... and its with Arnav.

If you abandon it, neither will you or he be happy ? whats the point of being alive but to be unhappy ?

Look at Pari ... how I wish I could have a life with her, but it just was not written in our fates, we loved and we lost it.

But not you Khushi, you have your love with you today, be with him, live your life instead of hanging onto the spectres of your past.

Don't let your past haunt your present or future !! "

Khushi felt her heart lighten as she listened to Rahul, the dark clouds that had wrapped over her heart seemed to be shifting a little and even as she felt the realisation sink in, Rahul was fading away, his hands on her were loosening but she didnt panic, she didnt call out, she watched him smile at her in approval as she let him go, knowing that his time on earth was over, that this meeting with him was only something she would feel  understand, it was her heart's way of answering her own doubts and fears, and no one could answer her questions the way Rahul did.

One star was twinkling brightly at her and she smiled at it, as she repeated the four words she would always tell him,

" I love you ... Bhai "

And as she sat down by her bed, she picked up the violin and played one of Rahul's favourite tunes, something he had composed which they played whenever they got the time, her heart felt calm as an ocean, she had her answers and she knew what to do.

A while later Khushi got up and left her room, it was late night and everyone else seemed to be sleeping. She went to the room that she knew was hers too, she opened the door softly as she walked in, she knew he wouldn't be sleeping and he wasn't.

He was at the windows, watching the stars, she knew he felt her but he didnt turn around, she crept up behind him and hugged him from behind, her hands clutching him tightly, but he didnt hold her back, she didnt mind it though because she knew he was hurt, but he did speak,

" I heard you play the violin Khushi ... it was soulful ... beautiful just like the person who played it. "

Khushi buried her face onto his back as she held him tighter, a few moments later she loosened her grip and turned him around, he looked at her, his eyes were tired and hurt, she slowly led him towards his bed and made him sit down on the edge, she gently pressed his forehead, smoothening the worry lines, she stroked his face, and then she sat down next to him, and held his hand,

"you didnt have anything ... did you Arnav ?? "

He shook his head in answer but didnt say anything more. She hugged him on his side, her face resting over his heart,

" I am sorry Arnav.

I know sorry isn't a word that will be enough for how I behaved back then and I am not going to justify myself or defend myself because I know I was wrong.

Its not that I don't want this life with you, I dream of us growing old together everyday but at the same time the danger that lies ahead threatens to shatter everything I dream. And sometimes its the fear that rules me. "

Arnav listened to her and then Khushi's voice became more misty and slow,

"but then someone told me that I cant control life's events, that I cant assume for sure that if I move away then everything will be fine.

And Arnav I don't want to look back at my life and realise that I never lived my life ... not when I have you to live it with.

I choose you Arnav Singh Raizada ... over my fears , over my past , over my insecurities ... I choose a life with you over everything and everyone else in this world.

I love you and I promise you today that I will walk with you down the road wherever it takes us.

I am sorry Arnav .. sorry for causing you so much pain. "

Arnav didnt let her say anything more as he pulled her into a tight all consuming hug, his head buried on her tresses as he placed fierce kisses on her neck and jawline. Khushi closed her eyes as she relished his touch. They held onto each other for a long moment before they broke apart, both of them smiling through their tears which they wiped away,

" I am sorry too Khushi. I know I was harsh and rude. I hated seeing you so hurt and shaken up, but I couldn't let you pull away from me. I wanted you to decide for once and for all this time. and I knew you needed to do it on your own without anyone forcing their views on you.

I am really sorry I left you alone back there ... "

Khushi placed her hands over his lips as she hushed him,

" Ssshh Arnav. Its fine .. you did the right thing.

I really needed that push to decide or else this fear would have consumed me forever and it would have ruined us. So there is nothing to regret now, you did the right thing " said Khushi and then she related the experience she had with Rahul and he listened to her, he didnt even question her as to if it was real or not because he knew that it was very much real for Khushi and thats all it mattered to him as he pulled her down onto the bed and took her lips in a kiss that seared through her bones and burned her blood as it raged on her soul.

They were a tangled mess when they finally broke apart, the air around them hot and heavy with the passion that coursed through their veins, Arnav hugged Khushi close as they both tried to calm down their raging heartbeats.

A while later Khushi dragged Arnav down to the kitchen and made him sit on the table as she got dinner warmed and then they both sat down and fed each other as they discussed things of the most trivial nature to more serious matters.

After dinner, Arnav took her for a walk in the gardens, Khushi had her arms circled around his waist as they walked for long, many a time not talking anything at all but just absorbing each other's feel on their body and soul.

After a while they stopped and Arnav nudged Khushi and directed her gaze towards the stars, a star was twinkling down at them, Khushi hugged Arnav tighter in her arms as she smiled back widely at the stars and she laughed when the star shone brighter, as though laughing in approval of his baby's sister's display of affection for her man.